A Message From Her Majesty, The Queen

A Message From Her Majesty, The Queen, and her resume........

 

 

As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and, among other issues, subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you - the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and needs with you.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace, we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given $2 BILLION to "The Clinton Foundation," just enough for us to scrape by.

During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding, and I remember our hopes for her as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment until that one day when she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting for a member of our royal family.

So, as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then, when the time for the royal election comes, I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after.

Gratefully,

Your royal hind-end-ness

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HER  MAJESTY'S  RESUME

My Fellow Americans,

I'm an unaccomplished lawyer from Arkansas, having sworn my oath to the BAR.  I am married to a former popular president who has cheated on me throughout our marriage with my full knowledge.

I later became a U.S. senator because of my relationship to that president and, again, accomplished nothing, only to run for president in 2008 based only on my experience as a tolerant wife and token senator.

I was beaten for the highest elected office in the nation by an entirely unqualified African-American man who holds the same leftist beliefs as I, but hates the United States even more.

Subsequently, I served as his secretary of state for much of his first term where, yet again, I accomplished less than nothing -- unless, of course, you consider the accusations of being involved in the Justice Department gun running business, the Carlyle relationship involved in drugs, and count the frequent flyer miles at taxpayer expense and pressing an imaginary "reset button" that accomplished even less than the rest of my career in so-called public service.

As an aside, the Secret Service agents assigned to protect me found me so rude, hateful,  abrasive and dismissive that they considered it sheer "punishment" to be assigned to me. I hate the US military and the guards.

For these reasons, I believe I should be the next president of the United States.

Thank you,

Hillary